My Friends (by Kadence)

Submitted by Kadence...

Hi, I am going to tell you about all my friends.  I hope you come and play with my friends one day at my house.  They are very fun friends to play with.

The first friend I want you to meet is Ooga-Booga.  I love Ooga-Booga and he is a my very best friend.  I love him very much and I can't even cry and I can't even fall down too.

This is  my very very very best friend, Spider.  I love him so much that I can't even snuggle up in my blankets.  He is so much fun to play with.

This is Cousin Louie, he visits a lot.  I really have a lot of fun with him and play with him a lot.  Why don't you come over and play with him with me.  Lets have lots of super duper fun.  I really want to go to the playground with Cousin Louie, Spider and you guys one day.  I love when he hugs and kisses me.

I know I love Baby Spider, she is so much fun to play with and I see her always and every day.  I love her so much that I can't even love her and kiss her at the same time.

Brain Sucker sucks brains and we always take Brain Sucker everywhere and we always love him so much that we can't even cry.

This is Detective Dad and Detective Butterfly.  They interview Zach and they always detect everybody in the house but they don't know what to do so come on and explore with us.

Bye
KADENCE

KD tells me where to go...

Submitted by Jennifer


So far Clayton and I have done a lot of blogging about what our major differences are as a couple.  However, there is one area in which we are exactly the same...and it doesn't serve us well.  Neither one of us has any sense of direction what-so-ever!  In fact, we are both so bad in this department that on our first date at a restaurant downtown we lost Clayton's car.  This was in February...in Winnipeg...Did I mention that it was cold?

As it turns out, the genetic deficits that we both share in the knowing-where-we-are-going-department were  simply being put aside for our future offspring.  No thanks to us, our daughter has the most uncanny sense of direction that I think I have ever seen.

We started to notice this ability when she was not quite three.  It was on our way downtown to her dancing lessons, that she piped up in the backseat and began to explain, in rather elaborate detail, the route that we were going to take to reach our destination...
"First we take this road to the street with all the coloured signs, then we turn that way (indicating right) and we drive and we drive and we drive all the way to the end, then we turn the other way and then we're there!"

Clayton and I exchanged puzzled glances, the street with all the coloured signs?  Sure enough people, West Broadway, every intersecting side street has a different coloured street sign.  She had nailed it.  Not only that, but she had noted a detail about the street that neither of us had ever noticed!  Might of helped us out on our first date if we had...now that I think about it!

So from there it just became a matter of KD pointing out landmarks all over the place, "Hey that's where we go for Sushi." or "That's where I go for swimming lessons." or even, "Hey, we went there for Disney on Ice last year."  Uh, huh.  Show off...

So after quite a while of this kind of stuff, I started to experiment with letting KD direct me home while I'm driving just to see where we would end up....we ended up at home...every time.  From Safeway, from her Grandparents, from Tim Hortons, you name it, the kid could find her way home.

Now just  this week, we have reached a whole new level with this ability.  We were driving in the car on our way somewhere I can't remember now and I missed a turn...a little voice piped up from the back seat,
"Mom, you're going the wrong way"...


...not so cool anymore...


Jen

You Want Bruises?

Submitted by Jennifer
Clayton alluded briefly, in his last post, that KD's infatuation with music has lead to some disagreements in the past over my music selections in the car...I thought I should elaborate on that.  First a little history.
Clayton and I are extremely different when it comes to music...like off-the-map polar opposites.  He is what  you could call an enthusiast...he has one of those brains that simply retains every song he has ever heard, who wrote it, who sang it, what year, where it toured and on and on...this used to amaze me.  We'd be driving in the car and he would say out loud the next lyric line of a song just a beat before the music...of course, this habit also lead to more than one misunderstanding as I would often think he was still participating in the conversation and he'd say something like,
"you're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you..." and I'd be like,
"what?!?"
"Oh, the song..."
Anyway, I am what you could call 'apathetic' when it comes to music...I will listen to whatever is on...happily.   Not only that, but I won't give a second thought to the name of the song, who sang it, what year, nothing.  I don't even care what genre it is.  Clayton still has this totally absurd habit of asking me what I would like to listen to when we get in the car, and the answer is always the same..."Eh, whatever..."
I have an ipod shuffle, which I requested for Christmas one year, and I love it.  Do you want to know why I love it?  It's because I don't have to choose the music to listen to.  I just hit play and it does it's thing.  I don't even know what is on it...Twice a year I hand it to Clayton to update and I give him one criteria, it has to be upbeat.  This is because the shuffle lives in my gym bag and it only gets pulled out for exercising and I just can't get my groove on to "Arms of an Angel".

This was the entirety of my music collection upon entering this marriage...

...And this was Clayton's collection...

...and this...

...and this...

...and these...

Oh yeah, and now you can add to that about 10 000 of these...

So about once every two or three years I think to myself that I really should make an effort to get more interested in music and I go out and buy a CD, so that now my music collection has grown to eight CDs, give or take three.  Of course, one of the biggest reasons I don't buy much music is because I really have no idea what is already currently residing in my basement.

Now getting back to KD.  It is rather unfortunate, for me, that she takes right after her father in this department as well.  That kid has, in her little four-year-old brain, WAY more music knowledge than I have acquired in my....well lets just say...many years.  This is great for Clayton and KD when they travel together because they can rock out the entire way and they both know what they are talking about.  This is not the case when KD and I are riding together....In fact, starting at about age two, this started leading to some very heated exchanges between her and I in the car because she would start asking me to play stuff that she heard with Clayton and I would either not have a clue what she was talking about, or I just wouldn't have it because I listen to the radio in the car.   This was a typical conversation...

KD:  I want Boozes mommy

Me: Pardon me?

KD:  I want Boozes!

Me:  You want Boozes?

KD: No, BOOOZES

Me: Um?

KD:  I want BRUises

Me:  O...K...what does that mean?

KD: I want Bruises.

Me: You want Bruises?

KD:  The SONG!!!  (totally exasperated with me now and possibly rolling her eyes)

Me:  Oh...you want a song called Bruises?  I don't know what that is...did you hear it with Daddy?

KD:  Yeah, you have it in the car, Daddy played it in the car...

Me:  Oh, but that's on Daddy's ipod, mommy only has the radio...

KD:  But Daddy played it in the car...

Me:  I know, but that's because Daddy brings his ipod in the car.  Mommy doesn't have an ipod, just the radio

KD:  But I don't want the radio...

and on it goes...

This situation eventually got so bad that I asked Clayton to make a CD of all KD's favourites that now lives in the CD player of my car...and we're both happy...for the most part!

Yours in musical ignorance,

Jen

Music To My Ears

Submitted  by Clayton...

Long before I had kids of my own, my niece M was much younger and in town for a visit.  I did the loving uncle thing and made her her very own CD so that she could rock out as she and my sister flip-flopped the highway dodging the disco lights of smokey and the bear to Regina.  I think my sister was sick of the CD's M played all the way to Winnipeg and she was almost as excited for the gift as M was.

They hit the road, put in the CD, cranked the sound, pressed eject and played CBC all the way home.

Whoops.  The ears that you have as a "sing to the cheap seats, rock n roll loving childless adult" are way different from the ears you have as a parent trying to monitor what your children hear.  I get it now.  Apparently certain cringey words snuck their way past my ears and onto the CD.  As a parent of a child that loves music and now has CD's of her own, I now understand the struggle to find songs that are suitable and I am amazed at how hard this is.  I know a lot of music and I don't listen to a lot of Gangsta Rap or Icelandic Death Metal, but I still find it hard to find 20 songs that I feel comfortable with KD listening to.  I try to make CDs that Jennn and I will like (or at least put up with) and you'd think with my itunes currently holding 11632 songs it shouldn't be to hard.  Well there is no accounting for a 4 year old's taste and unfortunately when KD hears a song like Disco Duck, she won't let me forget to put it on her next CD and I'm left with the weirdest mix of appropriate songs ever.

On a related note, KD used to to be quite adamant on what music Jenn was allowed to play in the car - she is very critical of Jenn's music choices.  On the other hand, when I am driving KD around usually she is good with whatever is on and we belt it out like the Car Stars we are, home made actions and all!  (The truth of the matter is that Jenn and I really listen to much of the same music, but don't tell KD.)

The Jen/Jenn thing

Submitted by Jennifer

Ok, so I feel like I need to weigh in on this whole "spelling of my name" thing because for one thing, Clayton is full of bologna and for another if I don't get a word in edgewise here, this will rapidly become Clayton's blog.
I am actually surprised to be having this debate at all! When Clayton and I first got together, he informed me that he had this whole weird thing about shortening people's names...as in, he doesn't like to do it. Also as in, "don't call me Clay". To my knowledge there are only two people in the world who get away with "Clay", his Aunty Pat, because she's known him since before he was born...and his longest standing BFF, Mike...I am not sure why...and possibly Mike's wife, Lindsay, by default.
There was even a time when we were first together that I thought maybe I would be the one person who would be allowed to call him Clay, and it would be our special little thing...yeah, that didn't fly. So it was very early on in our relationship that Clayton informed me that he would be referring to me as Jennifer. Not Jen, not Jenn, not Jenny...Jennifer. Of course this didn't exactly stick either, because it is not as familiar as Jen in casual conversation. However his claims that he added the extra 'n' as a term of endearment to specifically refer to me are just laughable...not only can I produce several documents to prove that he has repeatedly written me notes and cards addressed to 'Jen', (love notes even!), but he almost always refers to me as 'Honey'...so much so that when KD was about two-years-old, she said "Thank you, Honey", when I handed her breakfast!
So in response to the question, which is it? I can only say that I do,(always), spell my name Jen. Clayton, on the other hand, has always fumbled along, spelling it however he sees fit that particular day, Jen, Jenn, Jennifer, or Honey. Personally, if anything, I think that Jen with one 'n' might just be one 'n' short of his comfort zone with regard to name-shortening. But if you want to get under his skin...and I know many of you do...call him Clay...I dare ya!
Yours,
Jen with one 'n'.

Jen vs Jenn

Submitted by Claytonn...

Carolyn Ward writes:


"I have a question. Maybe one you can address in a post. Is it Jenn or Jen? Clayton writes about Jenn, but Jennifer's posts are signed Jen."


 This has been a recent discussion between both Jen, Jenn and I.  She was reviewing one of my first posts and said "It all looks good, except you spelled my name wrong."

What?

I told her that Jenn is always the way I've spelled her name and she said "Oh."  She had no idea this was the case.  No big deal right?  Well tell that to the Egyptians who filled the streets with mass protests THE VERY DAY THIS ISSUE CAME TO LIGHT!  Coincidence?  Time will tell.

Now I'm going to conservatively guess that I've left Jenn 1 Mizzilion notes in our 16 years together.  Everyone of them signed to Jenn.  That is a lot of unnoticed Ns.  That has to be 5 or 6 dollars in pens and ink I've wasted.  And the cost in time?  Incalculable (I've spent hours and hours trying to figure this out!)

When Jenn and I started dating, I started with the extra little N for Jenn as a special thing just for her.  We didn't really have the kind of relationship where I wished to call her Pookey Bear, Sugar Loaf or Jazzy Jen Jevitus.  The N was for her.  It was silent and was out little secret.  Turns out it wasn't.  It was a total waste of consonantation.

Jenn believes this issue is no big deal and swears that I refer to her as Honey in my notes to her.  This is true on occasion, well partially true.  When I don't call her Jenn, I refer to her as Honney....

Jenn flippantly believes that there are many ways that many people spell her name and she never really notices which person spells her name in which way.  I felt this was a bit of a brush off, so to the Internet bible of all truth seekers I went...Wikipedia.

Jennifar al-Schneeder

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Because of the lack of standardization of transliterating written- and regionally-pronounced Arabic, Jennifer's name has been transliterated in many different ways into English and other Latin alphabet languages. Even though the Arabic spelling of a word does not change, the pronunciation may vary in different varieties of Arabic, which may cause a different romanization. In literary Arabic the name معمر القذافي can be pronounced [jeˈʕnnːnn feðˈðarr]. Here [ʕ] represents voiced pharyngeal fricative (ع), not present in English. Geminated (doubled) consonants can be simplified. In spoken Libyan Arabic the voiceless uvular plosive [q] (ق) may be replaced with [ɡ] or [k] (or even [χ]; and /ð/ (ذ) (same asEnglish "nn" in "Jenn") may be replaced with [hn] or [hen]. Vowel [e] alternates with [o] in spoken Arabic. Thus, /jeˈʕnnːaf farðˈðrːriː/ is normally pronounced [jehnˈʕnnːi ffherˈrːfi] colloquially. The definite article al- (ال) is often omitted.

An article published in the London Evening Standard in 2004 lists a total of 37 spellings of her name, while a 1986 column by The Straight Dopequotes a list of 32 spellings known at the Library of Congress.^[107] This extensive confusion of naming was used as the subject for a segment ofSaturday Night Live's Weekend Update in the early 1980s.^{[citation needed]}

"Jenniffar Schneeder" is the spelling used by TIME magazine, BBC News, the majority of the British press and by the English service of Al-Jazeera.^[108] The Associated Press, CNN, and Fox News use "Gennifer Schneider". The Edinburgh Middle East Report uses "J'ennifer Chider" and the U.S. Department of State uses "J'annifherr J-Schnidher". The Xinhua News Agency uses "Hennifar Shneidir" in its English reports.^[109]

In 1986, Schneider reportedly responded to a Minnesota school's letter in English using the spelling "Jannifar J-Schnaidar".^[110] The title of the homepage of algathafi.org reads "Welcome to the official site of "Jenn J-Scheidshare".^[111]

Well I stand corrected!  (But I'm still using the silent N - It'll be my public little secret).

Claytonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Jenn's Stalkings

Submitted by Clayton...

I used to tell Jenn that when she was not around, I would explain our beginnings like this...

"Jenn used to stalk me.  I didn't know it until we were engaged, but she used to find out where I was going to be and hang out there.  She planned a "spontaneous" meeting where she picked her moment and then struck.  She fed me Jäger Bombs to make sure I was in the right mood.  By the time I found out about how we actually came to meet, I was actually in love with her and let it slide."

I had many versions of this story and would routinely tell Jenn "I told so-and-so today about how we met, you know, how you stalked me."  Usually she would say, "You did not!" and I would laugh and agree that I hadn't.  On a rare occasion I would keep it going for an hour or so before coming clean.

Often when Jenn meets people when we are together, she is polite and quiet.  This is often times my fault as I am terrible with names and often am stuck doing the, "Oh this is my wife Jenn" without actually letting Jenn know what the other person's name is - because I don't know myself.

Some time ago in Costco, I ran into a lady I worked with named Susan and one of her husbands.  I worked closely with Susan and gave Jenn a warm and proper introduction.  Susan was very personable so the moment I had completed introductions, Jenn said "So you probably heard all about how I stalked him and chased him and got him to marry me."  Susan's face went white and her demeanour did a 180.  With a stunned look Susan said "No."  I did a whole lot of explaining to Susan on the spot - I don't think Susan was too surprised by the truth as she did know a thing or two about how I operate.

What I hadn't realized about the entire stalking lie was that I thought it was always obvious to Jenn that I was joking and I believed she was playing along with my joke.  She explained very clearly later that this was not the case and that on a couple of occasions, I had forgotten to mention that I didn't actually tell someone that Jenn was a crazy stalker.  Whoops.  My bad.

If I have mistakenly told anyone reading this post a version of the above lie, I am now setting the record straight - Jenn did not stalk me.  That would have been illegal and I believe there is no statute of limitations on that charge.  I do not want to raise children on my own.

Shared Doodies

Submitted by Clayton...

Jenn and I are very good about sharing the work load associated with having children.

When KD was born Jenn had a book where she (ahem) logged KD's bowel movements.

Clayton: "Honey, KD has a walnut sized, coffee coloured poop here."

Jennifer: "Double Double?"

Clayton: "Yes."

Jennifer: "Let me know when you weigh it OK?"

Clayton: "Gross"

This fascination about all things related to baby poo led me to a song by The Arrogant Worms called "Baby Poo".  If you haven't already, go back and click play on the cassette above....

There, that's better.  It seems that Jenn's feces fascination was not hers alone, I mean, they wrote a song about the subject...!

This song quickly became a favourite with my pre-teen nephews.  Even now, four years later, if one starts singing this song, they all jump in and howl "Ba-by poo, Ba-by poo, all I talk about is baby poo..."  This was the gift I provided my sister, Jessica - the gift of supermarket embarrassment.

Now that we have Zach, Jenn could care less about poo spreadsheets or creating "Zach's very first photo book of poo".  The second child always misses out.

Instead, Jenn and I have created a game for Zach.  I call it "Shared Doodies".  You need 2 people to play, as well as a baby with a freshly dirtied diaper.  It is best if the 2nd person is not aware they are currently playing the game.  You raise the child up, hiding the fact that he has a huge bulge of stink under his bum.  You then place the huge bulge of stink directly on the other player's face, innocently saying "I can't smell anything, do you think he needs a change?"  Then laugh and laugh and laugh - you are now up 1 point.

Jenn also accidentally created a poo game for Zach, when she was changing Zach's diaper with too much gusto and whipped what turned out to be a full diaper over her head.  It is called spackling, and it is best not played without a cupboard of cleaning products on hand.  When done properly, the room will look like a dune buggy was spinning its wheels in a mud bog in your child's room.

The Problem...

Submitted by Jennifer

My son has a problem.  

I would say that it has even started to border on addiction.

It started out innocently enough...

...but like all addictions it has slowly begun to work it's way into all facets of his day-to-day life,

...until he simply cannot function without it.

We're planning an intervention for Thursday...

Jen

The Mystery of the Frightening Font

Submitted (obviously) by Clayton...


Here is my comment from a previous post;

Team Trouble said...

Whoops! I realized in my attempt to correct some mysterious font that appeared in the beginning of this post, I inadvertently made copies of 2 paragraphs, so that you may have had a sense of De Ja Vu while reading the copies of 2 paragraphs, that I inadvertently made copies of 2 paragraphs, so that you may have had a sense of De Ja Vu while reading the mystery font that I realized I saw written on a fence post at camp once. Whoah! That was weird. C'mon gang; To the Mystery Machine!

February 13, 2011 12:31 AM 

The Mystery of the Frightening Font is baffling to say the least.  In my post Measured Words an anthology there is a section following the Hare Krishna's that mysteriously changes the font even though it is designated as a normal "Times" font in the drop down menus like the rest of the post.  I can figure out a thing or two about blogging, like how to get a van to drive across my post, but I can't figure this out.  That's why I've called in the ringers...

"Ruh-roh Raggy"

Shaggy, Fred, Scooby-Doo, Velma, and Daphne are on the case!

I enlisted the Scooby-Doo gang, because coming from the 60's and 70's, they might know what's behind the "Times"?

"Rooby-Rooby-Roo"!

THAT Woman....

Submitted by Jennifer

Warning: this post might cause discomfort for some readers...particularly those considering child-bearing any time in the next ten or so years....proceed at your own risk!

Every good prenatal class has a good smattering of perinatal horror stories, you know, just to strike the fear of God into the expectant first time parents...mine was no exception. I was never really sure what the purpose of these stories were. I guess the point is to show the first-timers that oftentimes things do not go as planned and not to invest too much importance in the birth plan.

After giving birth to KD, it quickly became clear to me that very few women actually experienced what they were hoping for when it came down to the birth of their child. I felt fortunate to have met all of my goals with regard to my birth plan and despite the fact that my labour with KD was long, it was pretty much entirely what I had anticipated.
...and then I pushed my luck.

Pregnancy number two...pretty unremarkable...bit of morning sickness, lots of fatigue, insomnia at the end, the usual suspects.
Then it happened.
I became THAT woman.
You know the one. You hear about her and cringe, cross your legs and think, "That is never going to happen to me". But it did. I gave birth to a 12 lb, 2oz baby...the old fashioned way. (I told you this was going to get uncomfortable.)

Boy did it create a stir! Nurses came into our room...just to see. Word spread around the hospital like wildfire...in fact, friends who came to visit us the first week we were at home heard the story at a house party over the weekend! Right now, somewhere in the world, there is a roomful of expectant first-time moms and their partners cringing and crossing their legs, all because of me...

My birth plan? Well lets not even go there! I only had two objectives, and needless to say, they both went out the window...and never mind the surreal kitchen party atmosphere that developed in the operating room once the docs figured out that I work at the hospital and we actually knew quite a few people in common! That was definitely not an item found in my birth plan...anywhere...no really, I reread it just to be sure!

So how does it feel to be THAT woman, you wonder? Well, truthfully it stinks...I got told a lot that I was admired, that I was a hero etc, etc. However, all I could think was what could I have possibly done to have produced this gigantic child? My BMI is, and always has been, within the healthy range. My pregnancy weight gain was slightly higher than my first pregnancy, but not excessive by any means! How could this have happened?  I have had a lot of time to ponder this very issue since the birth of my enormous child...
I blame ice cream...

Ever wonder what a twelve pound baby looks like in a newborn wash basin?

Yours in child-bearing horror stories,

Jen

I Beg Your Pardon?

Submitted by Clayton...

The first time Jen told me to "Fob off" something, I was a little taken aback because she said it with a smile on her face.  How cold hearted can you be; to speak with such venom and still smile, to spew hatred when ....

"Well are you going to get him to do it or not?" She said impatiently.

Huh?

 fob Verb

Synonyms:

• verb: deceive, cheat, diddle, swindle, fool, dupe

• Deceitfully attempt to satisfy someone by making excuses or giving them something inferior
  • secretaries fob off most unwanted callers by saying their boss is in a meeting
• Give (someone) something inferior to or different from what they want
  • he fobbed off the chairmanship on Clifford

OK, So now I know she was NOT being mean-to-the-extreme, but just sneaky.  Given the choice, I can live with that.

Over the first few years of our marriage, I would be having a perfectly normal conversation with Jenn or her family and then WHAM out of nowhere, they'd drop a totally bizarre saying in the middle of what they were saying.

"That went over like a lead balloon."  Indeed!

"6 ways of Sunday." North, south, east, west, right and left?"

"Born on a Wednesday, looking both ways for Sunday."  The babies I know sleep, eat and poop, that's it.

"Come leg, or I'll leave you."  I'll get your medication...

The list goes on and on and on...

When I started writing this post, I asked Jenn what some of these phrases were because I remember them as much I understand them.  They are so normal to her that she only came up with one.  We called her Mom.  I'm not sure why (maybe for just such an occasion) but Barb had an exhaustive list saved in her phone.

I can only imagine Jenn and her mother out for lunch when they spot a man with a limp.

"Jenn, pass me my phone, I've got a phrase for this..."

Measured Words an anthology

submitted by Clayton...

Measured Words, an anthology, invites you into its pages to savour a cultural banquet of delightful stories, poems, photos, illustrations, and recipes that allow you to experience memorable  moments; visual snapshots of people, places, and events; some funny, others poignant; some past, others present; some real, others imagined.  An enchanting read, beginning to end, you will love these tantalising glimpses of other’s lives.  So, come sit around the table and sample the diverse, authentic voices of Manitoba writers sharing special memories.


Late last year Jenn and I had our submissions published in a wonderful book that I've read now has a cult following.  These two have been to all of our book launches, so it must be true...

Jenn's story "Reflections" is written about a mother reflecting on the fear involved with parenting while watching her daughter play in the backyard.

My story is called "Princess Kadence in Giant Trouble" and is a children's story about a princess captured by a pair of Giants.

There are 18 authors who have submitted all sorts of stories and recipies for this anthology - and each one alone is worth the cover price!

You can purchase this book from Jenn and I or through the following links;

Measured Words purchase page

mcnallyrobinson.com

The book has been reviewed by both Lifestyle 55 magazine and The Metro.  Here is a link to the review the Metro did of our book with a great picture of Barbara Becker, Elizabeth Hunter and Glynis Morris;

The Metro Review at winnipegfreepress.com

We held 3 book launches for this release.  All were very successful in a variety of ways; visiting with the other authors, signing books and meeting the people that enjoyed our stories, meeting the on-sight staff and of course selling a few books.

The McNally Launch was our biggest and put us on their best-seller list for a couple of weeks before Christmas (we reached number 2!)  This really was a great event and all the credit goes to Barb and Ted for all the work they did to pull this off.  Taking pictures with 2 children in tow was a bit off a tall order, but Jenn did manage to take photos of some of the authors that read that night.

It's been a really fun ride!  It is a trip to have something in the public record...

Clayton